I haven’t written in a very long time now and because I wasn’t getting enough ideas to write about. Well that happens, when you’re having a lot of different phases going on.
Two years back I started developing an emotional bond to a woman whom I’ve met online. To this, I got curious to know what might be the actual reason behind liking a woman to an extent that I’d wanna live the rest of my life with her. After few google based researches, I got to know this is bisexuality. Although I’m confused about me being a pansexual or a bi.
There’s a difference between all these non binary and gender fluid identities. So it has been difficult for me to understand which category I fall under. Although I’m still not able to understand the basic difference between pansexuality and bisexuality, I’m most certainly someone who falls for a person considering their behaviour and personality but not the gender.
Now that I’ve explored myself, I needed to let the world know the new me. I needed them to know and understand the “why” behind this change and I wanted them to respect that. So I started by giving hints to people. I started telling people “I like that girl” in a way that they don’t feel it to be offensive yet they understand.
The difficult part soon got over. Yay! I’m a bisexual now and everybody knows (of course not my parents, they never seemed supportive about my hetero relationships so I guess this won’t work either, although I’ll give it a try).
To my surprise, the very thing that I received from people is an alluring question.
“Are you sure you’re a bisexual and not a bi curious person?”
On the top of that, I’ve been getting a lot of mixed reactions in which I never really felt comfortable. People asking me brainlessly whether I feel different from them as I’m a bisexual and they’re not. Whether I feel more attracted to women and less to men? How does the sex happen? How do we feel while making out? Am I attracted to my female friends or have I ever dragged any girl into bed? Is my vagina something different from what normal women has?
And at the end of it, they’d tell me how immensely happy they are for me and how they respect and support me in this.
Let me break it down to you bit by bit. All these questions arise due to the lack of knowledge about gender fluidity and sexuality. I am a female assigned at birth but because of that I cannot unsee the fact that other outcomes are as possible as mine, normal too. For Cis-binary-heterosexuals, the possibility of something deviating from their line of normal is a mishap, for us, the queers, adjusting in a world where such people see us as an object is.
Let me tell you, poeple questioning about me being abnormal isn’t remotely the respect that one should have given me, regardless of their gender identity or sexuality. People wanting to see me and my female friends making out isn’t remotely the respect that one should have given me and asking weird questions about my genitals or sexual preference isn’t remotely the respect that one should have given me. The acceptance is real, if one had the iota of idea what have they been saying, it wouldn’t have been the same.
A friend once said to me, “you don’t seem to be a bisexual at all, are you sure you are one?”
Okay hon, what makes you think a bisexual would look like? Having horns? A demonic face? Or is it the fact that you feel secured in my presence? Because a bisexual person is a normal human being who’d look like a normal human being and won’t force you to like them or make out with them without your consent! Is it too hard to understand?
Sometimes I try keeping my head low and ignore such comments but sometimes, it makes my blood boil.