Myths and Hypotheses about bisexuality that I’ve encountered

I haven’t written in a very long time now and because I wasn’t getting enough ideas to write about. Well that happens, when you’re having a lot of different phases going on.

Two years back I started developing an emotional bond to a woman whom I’ve met online. To this, I got curious to know what might be the actual reason behind liking a woman to an extent that I’d wanna live the rest of my life with her. After few google based researches, I got to know this is bisexuality. Although I’m confused about me being a pansexual or a bi.

There’s a difference between all these non binary and gender fluid identities. So it has been difficult for me to understand which category I fall under. Although I’m still not able to understand the basic difference between pansexuality and bisexuality, I’m most certainly someone who falls for a person considering their behaviour and personality but not the gender.

Now that I’ve explored myself, I needed to let the world know the new me. I needed them to know and understand the “why” behind this change and I wanted them to respect that. So I started by giving hints to people. I started telling people “I like that girl” in a way that they don’t feel it to be offensive yet they understand.

The difficult part soon got over. Yay! I’m a bisexual now and everybody knows (of course not my parents, they never seemed supportive about my hetero relationships so I guess this won’t work either, although I’ll give it a try).
To my  surprise, the very thing that I received from people is an alluring question.
“Are you sure you’re a bisexual and not a bi curious person?”

On the top of that, I’ve been getting a lot of mixed reactions in which I never really felt comfortable. People asking me brainlessly whether I feel different from them as I’m a bisexual and they’re not. Whether I feel more attracted to women and less to men? How does the sex happen? How do we feel while making out? Am I attracted to my female friends or have I ever dragged any girl into bed? Is my vagina something different from what normal women has?
And at the end of it, they’d tell me how immensely happy they are for me and how they respect and support me in this.

Let me break it down to you bit by bit. All these questions arise due to the lack of knowledge about gender fluidity and sexuality. I am a female assigned at birth but because of that I cannot unsee the fact that other outcomes are as possible as mine, normal too. For Cis-binary-heterosexuals, the possibility of something deviating from their line of normal is a mishap, for us, the queers, adjusting in a world where such people see us as an object is.

Let me tell you, poeple questioning about me being abnormal isn’t remotely the respect that one should have given me, regardless of their gender identity or sexuality. People wanting to see me and my female friends making out isn’t remotely the respect that one should have given me and asking weird questions about my genitals or sexual preference isn’t remotely the respect that one should have given me. The acceptance is real, if one had the iota of idea what have they been saying, it wouldn’t have been the same.

A friend once said to me, “you don’t seem to be a bisexual at all, are you sure you are one?”
Okay hon, what makes you think a bisexual would look like? Having horns? A demonic face? Or is it the fact that you feel secured in my presence? Because a bisexual person is a normal human being who’d look like a normal human being and won’t force you to like them or make out with them without your consent! Is it too hard to understand?

Sometimes I try keeping my head low and ignore such comments but sometimes, it makes my blood boil.

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Sadistic people with a victim mindset

I’m sure all people cross paths with pessimistic and sadistic people all the time. People who are widely unaware of sentiments and/ or lack empathy toward others fall under the category of toxic personality. We all have experienced toxic personalities and their harsh counterparts. What we haven’t is understanding their psychology.
Why would they abuse others, psychologically or physically? Why would they victimize themselves? And why they seek compassion from others while they’re not able to return the same?
The answer to all the questions is how their Mental Health performs.

Now, some people suffer from a significant psychological crisis, which they are too unaware of. Therapists to have not been able to discover their sadistic and insane behaviour, although they might blame it on the genes that are present. Yes, some genes are responsible for their outrageous and diabolic behaviour but that’s definitely not all. In such cases, treatment becomes a necessity.

Why do they have such a sadistic mindset?

Their superiority complex is responsible :
Yes, their superiority complex is, somehow responsible for their actions and their sadist like behaviour. They believe that no one could defy them and no one should. That’s how their rage towards people who disobey them starts amplifying. Yet another issue triggered by their Mental Health.

People who submit to them are responsible too :
People who undeniably submit to them and let them rule over themselves are harnessing their traumatic brain and giving them the hunch that they are always correct and can never be wrong.

Lack of proper parenting or guidance :
As a child, if someone is being taught to be superior in all grounds despite their miseries and/ or capabilities they are naturally being built to attack or mock people without having to step in their shoes. Such people who are teaching their kids to become superior in all literal terms are unknowingly implying a wrong lesson. Though they intend to make the best out of their child, they miss the basic child psychology about harnessing their emotions.

There is no such thought about how a sadistic and insane person should get stopped. All we know is how we can counter their superiority but in a less offensive manner. It is though, important to become contentious when in need. One should always know how and where they should set their limits.
I believe in being polite till they deserve to get treated politely. Once they go off the limits to traumatize you and overrule your politeness, it is important to keep up with your self-respect, rest assured.

A Note of positivity to myself

A note to my future self.

Dear me, this is the previous version of yourself. I hope you’re doing good, accomplishing everything that you’ve dreamt of, fighting your demons and growing a little by little. As every phase you cross, your life will only keep giving you new demons, new reasons to be afraid and plausible causes to feel anxious too. I know you’d keep going as you’ve always had, I know you won’t let your self down. I know, deep down you’re a hustler, there happened to be numerous reasons why you wanted to quit, but you pulled yourself together and fought. I want you to fight again and again till everyone knows how strong of a human being you really are. I know you were all alone, you probably are, but you know what? You are all but vulnerable.

You have always let people picture quite the opposite image of yours but that’s probably because you were too frightened to let them in. I now want you to let people in, I know you probably fear that they’d make you weak, they’d abandon you. Trust me, get rid of the fear of abandonment. You’re not weak and nobody can make you the same. You’re the strongest Queen I’ve ever met. You always have been a transparent person who’d vocalize her thoughts regardless of anything.

Would you promise me something? Just plant a sapling, plant it by yourself, watch it grow, watch some of the leaves fall off, take care of the plant and take care of yourself too. As you connect yourself with the plant, you’ll see that there is nothing but harmony, you blend perfectly with the plant. As it grows and falls every autumn, as it hustles through the strong wind, rises and blooms the next day, it will keep reminding you to grow, even amidst the hardest circumstances. One day, you’ll no longer need a resemblance, you’d grow on your own and win on your own, all by yourself.

I hope you’re doing what you always wanted to do, I hope you became what you’ve wanted to become. If not, don’t you worry, you see life sometimes becomes arduous and it’s okay if you couldn’t retrieve. You can buckle yourself up and you can always do better, just never give up. So what you couldn’t become someone you thought you’d become, you still are my favourite. You still are the Fighter Queen, the Warrior Princess. Never stress yourself with pessimistic thoughts, your past self really couldn’t keep her hands off of negativity, it makes me laugh how imaginative and intuitive person she was, or she might is. But you need to become a better version of herself, you need to love yourself a bit more.

You’re going to miss your mom a lot, that’s obvious. But change, as they say, is the only constant. She always is present, her love always surrounds you, I know this is going to be hard. You mother was the only sunshine to your dark lonely palace, but you know what? The warmth of the sun can be felt from anywhere. Never stress yourself out as your mother wouldn’t like that. Remember, she is everywhere, look at the plant and smile, she’s in it too.

At last, I just want to tell you that never give up, not until it’s finished. You need to spread and accept love simultaneously. You’re the queen of hearts and you’ll always be.

Love kills (my love story in a nutshell) Part 2

We started to bloom together and we were more than happy to be with each other the way we were always meant to be. We surged through a lot and we were always together in the end. It made me blush every time he kissed me on the hand❤ He used to call me “Sunshine” because, for him, I was his sunshine.

He made me realize my true potentials, my true capabilities and he made me work on myself more to cultivate my passion (which is writing for sure). He had a passion for sports, cricket predominantly. But he had to halt as his disorder was complex and too much of activity wasn’t good for him. But I’ve never seen him resting, he’s always enthusiastic and headstrong. This makes me more than happy, to see him fighting on his own, with his incapabilities and making it efficient.

I’ve learnt a lot from him. Key to every relationship is to learn from each other and growing together. This is exactly what we’ve been through and he has always been the best life coach.

Unlike others, he never wanted me to change for him, he accepted me as the way I am and that’s what I needed from a partner, no emotional manipulations. And to this I soon assumed, he’s my man and I would dedicate my life to him. I couldn’t be more than happy to see him happy and for him, it was vice versa.

I breathed a part of the love in the form of wind that he presented to me.

It was not so long that I was choked down with all obsessions. I found out he already was fooling me and cheating upon me with a side girl. He claimed her to be the love of his life, just as he claimed me. I was toasted. I felt solely torn apart as my whole world started to get shattered as the love I had for him was strong enough to hold me, and now there’s nothing left which could hold me.

I never confronted him as I never do confront. I just keep myself away from all the pessimistic beings. I’ve kept myself away from him as well. He reluctantly tried to get me back but once I let go, I just let go and never let it get back.

The whole point of mine penning it down was to make people understand that self-worth is way more important than just a mere love. Yes, I feel for him and I don’t know if I can ever let my feelings turn off. But I believe I’ve loved myself more and he’s the only one who could have ever taught me to do it. He made me fall in love with me again. And even though we weren’t together we’ve always been each other’s lookout and that’s the speciality of this love.

Yes I love him and I always will, but I let it go because this love was never meant to be mine. I pray for his recovery and I’ll always pray for him because the only person who’s been so close to my heart is him.❤

Poetry: why they raped her ???

//Why they raped her?// They took another straight shot of whiskey,The cigarettes were still burning,As they awefully started to move towards her face,her heart began to race. Her black mascara tears fall onto her cheeks,Her body was numb and meek,They were scratching her breast,Ugly purpled bruises formed on her chest. Not one of two but […]

Poetry: why they raped her ???

New beginnings

Is it me? Or does it scare everyone when they transition into a new phase in life?

Hello guys, hope everything is going good amidst the moment of crisis. The vaccine is still in the making and we’re still hoping for better days. Well, life never stops and neither should we.

So, I am currently starting to shift into a new phase, a new version of me is about to step in. I’ve taken this job (which I don’t find it necessary to disclose the deets already) and parallel to which I’m gonna shift to a new place and start my independent living. Meanwhile, I’m planning to go for higher education as well.

So this new begging is bringing a lot more confusion than I’ve ever imagined of. Think of your first job and how hard have you struggled to survive and of course, perform well (although this is not the first time I’m being appointed). This is an amazing feeling, like never before.

I’ve never felt so grown up! Literally. I’m happy, at the same time I’m scared, I’m excited as well as neutral. Mixed emotions have never been so wild to me. Guess that’s what really happens when you’re all set to take life seriously, lol!

So, I am highly excited to begin this new life but at the same time, I’m scared. I keep questioning myself, What if I suck? What if they fire me? What if I can’t get through this? All these burning questions, I’m kinda having second, third, fourth fifth……. Thoughts.

There happen to be times when you need to take control of your life solely. And that vital moment, you realize that you’re alive, fresh and active, enjoying life like how it’s supposed to be. Life has never been easy, for neither of us, but the moment of realization is scary.

“I hope I won’t screw it up, I hope I’ll do good”. I keep telling this to myself, I guess I’m lacking the confidence that I should have possessed.

But I guess many of you will understand this situation of mine, kinda scary kinda exciting. At the end of the day, we all need to focus on our goals and accomplish whatever we’ve dreamt of, life works like that.

There are times when I want to leave everything behind and submit to life, like a dead fish. I then pull myself together and say to myself, you ain’t dead, you’re alive and you’re yet to feel more alive.

As they say, only you can be your motivator. I feel this now.

So this is how my mind is going through this shift, I just wanted to share my thoughts. I hope this isn’t only me, everybody has gone through the same more or less, I guess.

Feminist or Equalist?

Are you a feminist?

I’ve been asked this question by everyone who has crossed paths with me. No wonder people (mostly, sexist people) have miscellaneous issues regarding this particular term. I’ve no idea why.

There happened to be some burning questions which might change the perception of entire “Feminism” thing in people’s mind. People are subjected to opportunities and our opportunistic society has scored well enough to drag feminism into the literal meaning of “Man Hating”.

I’ve said that before and I’d say that again and again, feminism is not equal to misandry! Besides, there are who’ve men supported women empowerment, and voiced up against women oppression and intimidation between genders. All these years, favours are solely provided based on genders and we have been divided and burdened up with “gender roles” which we aren’t meant for.

Time has changed, but have it or have it not remained the same for women (and men too) since past generations? Men would follow sick and toxicity in the name of masculinity in which they’d oppress and promote vicious activities. You know why? Cause men will be men!

Again, we can’t indict all of the men, women too have shown a downfall when they’ve come to support other women or men. Some women are equally responsible for the suppress of a particular gender, class or caste. Hence, sexism and classism has no favourable gender!

On the other hand, memes, advertisements and authorities, all have been a part of this discrimination. Some people may enjoy it, enjoy women being framed sexually in a TV commercial for condoms, or enjoy how women are degraded and termed to be a gold digger in the Facebook memes. This leads to social discrimination against a particular type of people who’ve tried to normalize having a rich ass boyfriend or a casual sex. We unknowingly promote social unjust and this is just a matter of fact that the entire loop is being connected to the route of patriarchy.

I’d like to call myself an equalist, I want to normalize the ‘not so gender specific’ idea of mine.

How well have they known me, to have Autism?

Hello everyone, hope everyone is doing great amidst this pandemic situation. Well, this pandemic has brought up some new comprehension. Everybody has acknowledged something or the other, which might be helping as well, to comprehend life a bit more.

Personally, I’ve acknowledged a lot about Mental Wellbeing and Mental Health (though not all, and everyone has a different standpoint when it comes to mental health).

I’d like to understate my viewpoints about how intentionally or not, Parents leverage a child’s mental health.

Well, I live in a country where conversing and reaching out to people for mental wellbeing is considered to be inferiority. Family secrets, intense career pressure, anxiety and other traumas are less likely to be seen by anyone. This is basic human psychology, where people are most likely to applause you for your accomplishment but have never had stood up in your hard times. Let’s keep this aside, and talk about the people who’ve really wanted to help without looking out for their own benefits.

There happened to be people in my life who’ve wanted to make a change, but Parents have been a great setback. Writing it in or saying it out loud about one’s failed Parenting (as their offspring) is also considered to be a depravity, highly. But I think this is vital, as I never wanted to get treated as they have treated me like, neither I want anyone else’s Parent to treat them like that.

Most of the time, Parents do not have the idea that how autism can affect their child, and how suicidal intents can cross the mind of their child. People who’ve committed suicide in the past years have been discerned as a coward. Have they had any idea when does the human mind signals to commit suicide or how does that influence the person having it?

I’ve survived one suicide attempt earlier, as my dosage of the pills gone wrong and I woke to have some sort of stomach illness and vomiting. Well, that was why I promised myself never to become this much weak but am I really weak? Or have I fought so much that my body and my mind, both have started to give up? I guess I’m just a normal outcome of autism!

Autism might be biological, but physical and psychological impacts amplify it. I remember waking up shaking my every night, in the mid of it, looking for my phone to turn on the flashlight. While I’d hyperventilate, I’ll turn on the flash and look around me to find nothing, not even a single presence which could have helped me.

I tried talking to my mother about this, she went awed by my explanation (her face reaction still makes me laugh though). According to her, my behaviour and my personality are influenced all because of me and by me (and I agree, up to some extent yes). I reluctantly became violent and I used to indulge in violence. Chaos had to be my escape route, my pen and the paper being others.

To them, my parents, “autism is a myth that had happened to me. I was always an exaggerating child with a problem of overthinking”.

I remember myself being a nyctophobic person, but as time passed by, I never wanted to see the sun. I never wanted to be light around me and I wanted myself to get submerged in the dark!

A well-known friend of mine had committed suicide a few years back. I remember people calling him a coward, but I wanted to address him as a fighter. I believe people who commit suicide are not Coward, they’re just too tired to fight anymore.